Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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