I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
