I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
