So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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