Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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