Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
