is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
