I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
