Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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