One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
