happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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