a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
