Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
