my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
