Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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