Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
