I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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