dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
