I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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