Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
