I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
