you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
