I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
