My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
