I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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