I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
