Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's the barista slut.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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