While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
