It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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