Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
