Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
