I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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