I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
