Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
