i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
