A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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