i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
