he was CRYING into my vagina
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
