she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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