I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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