What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am one with the molecules
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
