I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
