I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
