So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
