Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
