Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
