im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just google imaged poop.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
