HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
