**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
