Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
