My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
